The One That Was Left Behind

*Disclaimer, some readers may find the contents in this blog confronting.

Before talking to you about my experience of abandonment from both friends and family I would like to discuss why & how people who experience mental difficulties, have mental diagnostics, or work through their trauma CAN make great service providers to those who use the services.

Workers within this industry tend to get a bad reputation, with the mental health umbrella being associated to all of us. And while yes a lot of people with in this industry are managing some form of negative mental health past or present, not everyone who works within this industry has a poor mental health that they are managing. As an escort we provide one on one services to people we have never previously met, we are paid to create a fantasy and be the person that the client wants. Some of these clients have their own trauma, poor mental health, and are lonely. For these reasons I personally believe having experienced trauma to a degree or having experienced periods of poor mental health can aid escorts be good at their job, due to their ability to have an empathy or even sympathy for others. Allowing us to establish affinities on a deeper level. Do not mistake empathy or sympathy for meek emotions, because while people of negative experiences may have more compassion, we tend to have thicker skin too.

Should you have followed people in the industry and done so for a while you will constantly here people bringing up negative experiences with clients, or other industry insiders; experiences and scenarios that add additional difficulty to their mental state of mind. While most providers learn to settle the nerves through industry experience; we all still experience anxiety when we are meeting our clients. Who are you, how are you going to treat us, are you going to rip me off, do I look okay, will you be on time, will you show up, is this a prank, what do I do if…… happens, will you blackmail us; in some Australian states the threat of you being a police officer about to arrest us is real, am I about to be on the next Netflix psycho killer documentary and turned to stew, and a range of other thoughts. Clients probably have similar thoughts. Will they blackmail me, will they steal my money, do they do regular STI screenings, will he be good in bed, will she be good in bed, will they treat me like a human or just a monetised object, what happens if the condom breaks, am I about to be abducted etc. Anxiety is a normal part of day-to-day life for EVERYONE in ANY OCCUPATION – the endless to do list, the work you are behind in, the work you want to stay on top of, your partners doctors appointment, your doctors appointment, the seedy looking guy on the bus, the most hypocritical girl you work with for 8 hours a day, the traffic, if you provide for a family how will you care for them throughout the week, your nagging boss, your kids footy game, the new puppy that you left inside with a couch. The list goes on and ranges from one extreme to the next.

What is bad about uncontrolled and poorly managed anxiety is that it can lead to irrational behaviours, irrational thoughts, panic attacks, and poor choices. For people who have past or present mental difficulties, these poorly managed anxieties can trigger a range of different responses that can affect your life in a negative way – short term and sometimes long term. Maybe you give up on quitting cigarettes and just buy a packet, maybe you cancel all bookings for a week, maybe you indulge in all your vices and lose all your money, or maybe you just curl up in ball on your couch thinking about how ‘shit’ your life is. The snowballing affect exacerbates into the long term.

So if trying to create positive experiences for other people leads to potential poor mental states for us, why do people with mental difficulties outside of anxiety still work as sexual providers? If it is a ‘snake eating it’s own tale’ situation why do we not prohibition the industry and make a stand saying that this industry needs to stop?

The truth is that while some snakes may be eating their own tale, for others this work becomes the realisation to stop eating our own tales. As is the case for me. Had I had not become an escort I ponder whether I would be the man I am today.

Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. Sex, intimacy, genuine human to human connection will always be valued and desired. SEX. THE ENTIRE SUBJECT OF SEX. Is a fundamental component of human nature. Taking prostitution out of civilisation is impossible. All that can be done is management to provide a professional and safe space for the adult experience. When someone learns to manage their negative mental experiences there is the possibility of developing a greater compassion for other peoples’ experiences and tribulations. They can develop a greater depth of empathy and sympathy for what people have or are going through, with a greater acceptance for the experience of being human.

A couple great examples from movies of how negative experiences CAN make someone be more compassionate are, ‘The Blind Side’ a black boy who despite growing up with no real home, hung around with thugs, and in bad neighbour hoods, matures into a protective kind-hearted, family man. In the movie ‘Spilt’ towards the end of the film when ‘the beast’ is about to break through the bars and kill the girls he abducted, he sees the scars on one of the girl’s bodies from self-harm and leaves them all alone because he has an affinity for that emotion.

Secondly there is an extremely important need for sex workers – good escorts in particular. I will get some hate for this, and please understand I am not trying to put the line of work down, or cause a feud, but we do not NEED copious amounts of pornstars. Without proper sexual education the negative effects of free, easily accessible porn can be detrimental. One on one connection with another person, having physical touch from another person, interacting with another person physically does so much more psychologically, spiritually and physically then batting yourself off or finger bashing yourself to an artificial movie. This in part is why I say that if you are not an escort for the love of people please fuck off. Right now in the world there are a lot of lonely individuals, people with their own mental difficulties, families breaking apart, and relationships becoming a dismal bore. There are sexless marriages, women who haven’t experienced the big O, men who haven’t been genuinely touched and held for years, a lack of understanding for others, horrible communication, a poor education of what SEX is, and – excuse my French; a fuck tone of know it all’s with no respect for another opinion or view.

While you do not need to get along with every single person you service, or be a yes man; you do have to generally like people and people to people interactions. Otherwise you’ve entered a career that you are going to hate and complain about every time you finish, leading to spite and negative emotions – the snake eating it’s own tale. There is tremendous upside financially and lifestyle wise to being a successful escort, but the same could be said for a copy writer, a digital marketer, a graphic designer, a real estate agent, a special needs carer (they deserve more credit and need more support), even as a tradie you can live a really good life – get your shit together, look after yourself and you can have a long prosperous career and fun life. My very first roofing boss (a G) travelled around Europe for 3 months with his mates.

With prostitution not going anywhere, and society screaming for more intimacy, better connections, and better, deeper human to human interactions; one could debate that those who learn to manage their mental difficulties, and still genuinely enjoy the experience of being human tend to have the mental ability of connecting with others and bringing joy to their lives; even when the temperament of the conversation or time together may become uncomfortable.

This is not to say that people who have very little mental difficulties/ negative experiences or none at all couldn’t make great escorts or be your regular client.

There are an abundance of single people who opt out of the dating and relationship realm because they have had bad dating or marriage experiences and for lack of a better term, pardon my French, can’t be fucked with anyone else’s bullshit. One gentleman I spoke with in life, said now that he was single, he was never going back into a relationship, his former partner was a bitch, his children had grown up, and his exact words were “why eat at one restaurant when I can just pay to eat at any restaurant I like” – he was referencing female escorts as the restaurants if you didn’t get it.

There are business professionals who are more focused on their careers than a relationship and family. Again, referencing a Tv series, look at someone like Harvey Spector. There are plenty of real-life Harvey Spector’s in the world

There are kinky couples that want to explore shared activities and feel more comfortable paying someone, then entering the community, or ‘publicly’ announcing their kinky interests.

And there are workers who have had great, relatively normal lives – whatever normal means; who will provide exceptional services. If you are well educated, like and are good at sex, emotionally intelligent, and enjoy people, you have the potential to make a great provider.

Anybody CAN become an escort. NOT everybody should become an escort.

Now for my story. Originally I wasn’t going to write the who and the what, and while I will not disclose some personal information this next chapter of the blog is going to become quite personal. Before continuing, please understand that I do not write this for sympathy, I do not need ‘fixing’, and should we spend time together we can confer about this section should you desire the conversation taking that route. Providing we do not re-create a ‘Good Luck To You Leo Grande’ scene. I have done my healing and as I have come to learn this sort of scenario is all too common, which is part why I will openly speak about it.

Most of you would be familiar with the term ghosting. Have you ever been ghosted by your entire ‘friendship group’? Better yet have you ever been ghosted by your entire ‘friendship group’ two birthdays in a row?

Are you the black sheep of the family? Are you so black that you can’t even walk into the house you grew up in to have a cup of coffee or tea?

Back when I was a roof plumber, certified dickhead, piss head and eighteen I had what I thought were a good group of mates. We would go out most weekends, crash back at theirs, go through the week with our work and repeat. We always had a good laugh; we had great banter; and got up to mischief. Though there were always some underlining behaviours that I saw where I was the outcast of the group. I would be the last to find out about things, at the clubs they would group off when picking up girls, and occasionally would try to throw me under the bus to impress girls they were picking up. When I would inquire about why I wasn’t invited to events they would say things like, “We knew you had training”, or “You were playing footy”, or “You would have to drive too far”. While some of you may say that this was them being ‘good friends’, from my now mature perspective and other friendship experiences that was not why. Most of them had moved from the same city to Brisbane and so they had their affinities. Though they constantly talked about each other behind their backs, and while they would bring some of these affairs to the surface, nothing would ever change the contentious cycle continued.

It was my twentieth birthday, and I wanted to plan something really cool. Paintball, some other activity, watch AFL at the Gabba, Hotel for the weekend, Party. Made a group chat. Not one single person responded. They all saw the message but did not respond. I put out another message a few days/ week later because I needed numbers, and they told me they had to save for Touch Base – a music festival that was a few weeks after my birthday. Unfortunately, I could not go because I am banned from that rendezvous for 32 years counting.

Looking back at the reasoning of having to save for a music festival was pathetic. Considering after the game that my girlfriend at the time & I attended, we met with the group out at the valley and partied relatively hard, with them doing more partying in the following weekends. Great saving!

Later that year I was working away for roofing, and was meant to be receiving a huge amount of weekly pay. When I arrived at the temporary home away from home and asked about the pay, I found out that I was going to be underpaid five-hundred to one-thousand dollars a week. When you ask the boss, “If we can speak about pay” and the boss responds, “How much did I tell you, you were going to be paid?” you know you’re in for a great conversation. Had I been given that extra pay, I was going to pay for all my mates festival tickets and the accommodation to party down at Ultra Music Festival Melbourne the following year. Thank God I was not paid the amount I was promised and decided to pack up from the middle of Australia to head home early. My twenty-first birthday wasn’t the worst birthday in the world, though I think not celebrating and just chalking it up as another day would have been better. Have you seen The Simpsons episode where Lisa is singing Happy Birthday by herself?

For my twenty-first birthday my parents were willing to pay for any accommodation on the Gold Coast, plus football tickets – Lions vs Suns. Booze, food and activities were all our responsibility to buy. Again I made the group chat, and again they all left it on seen. After a range of other horrible experiences, that was the nail in the coffin. That night before going to sleep I opened the group chat to see every single person that was invited had seen the message and not one person had replied. Some of these people lived together. I went to sleep with tears running down my face that night. That hurt, and that was a big punch to the gut. I don’t really want to discuss what happened for my birthday for multiple reasons; part my responsibility, and I feel that it would paint me as ungrateful considering what other people close to me experienced for their birthdays. But the entire weekend of my twenty-first birthday felt like the scene of The Simpsons where Lisa is singing happy birthday to herself.

Being abandoned by friends’ sucks. But being abandoned by family makes you question why you weren’t swallowed.

I want to start by saying I am extremely grateful for the childhood I received, the fact that I received what I received makes me question if I should think about the situation the way I do. There are children who do not know what a childhood is; they are raped, abused, grow up in poverty, neglected from birth, or are born into wealthy families but NEVER experience any type of family structure. With this broader world view guilt has travelled with me through this process of abandonment. Different shoes, same place.

I was put through private schooling. Played AFL competitively for 10 years, with new football boots and ball every year. My parents would take me to games every week. I Travelled to Melbourne for football camps. Have travelled most of Australia, with one international cruise. Mum did a couple of school assignments for me when I chose to neglect them. I had leniency when I started going to parties, and was always told to call if I needed them, regardless of the time. They were anti-dope so when I was detained for possession of two joints by the police at sixteen and had to go in for questioning, my parents grounded me. I have copped a couple smacks over my time – never beaten. I had always been told I could achieve whatever I wanted to achieve if I worked hard enough. So much positive to look at from my childhood, so much that I intend to give to my children when I have my own.

But at some point, that all changed.

During my adolescence my mother had a huge falling out with another sibling of mine - It’s been over well ten years since they have spoken. And at the time I didn’t realise what was happening, but now clearly see what abandonment looks like and how it can affect someone mentally. This sibling was outcasted so bad that they would call or send a “happy birthday”, “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Easter”, message with great wishes to my mum, and I would be given her phone, and asked to answer the phone or check if I knew the number. Looking on my phone I would see who it was and inform mum who would nonchalantly reply “oh okay, you can reply”, or “tell them that I’m busy”. At first I didn’t quite get it, I believe I just pretended to be mum, though I eventually started saying it was from me and that she would get back to them – obviously that never happened. Now with the inside view I know for a fact that my mum would not be like this over nothing. Even my sibling owned up to me about saying some horrible things too. When my mum and I last had a good relationship, I even told her how the sibling had admitted to their wrong doings and that they would love to rekindle and start rebuilding the relationship. “Oh well, to bad” were my mums’ words.

Rince & repeat with me. *Warning this may be a little discursive.

There is one sibling that ties into all of this. They are a spoilt, narcissistic, lazy, leeching, good for nothing, worthless piece of shit – there is no polite way to put it. I won’t disclose how many siblings I have, but every single one of us hate this sibling. They have single handedly torn apart the entire family. Imagine being thirty-five, no career, no job, have a child that you can’t look after, being the definition of mental health, drinks alcohol like there is no tomorrow, smokes more weed than a chimney, and living back at your parents’ house for 10 years! Never their fault, always because of someone else, something else, or it’s too hard, or it’s this, it’s that. For this reason, I believe that mental health is sometimes a joke!

Now being the empath that I am I can look at some of the scenarios that have happened to this leech and think damn, that sucks, you’re also lucky to still be here, or yeah your father abandoned you. But the empathy itself is not there, and we will not talk about sympathy. I’ve seen people with similar incidents go on to do great things and become good people.

The reason the paragraph above had to be mentioned is because it adds valuable context to my experience. When I used to live at my parents house the leech and I had our good days, we did somethings together, we hung around the same friendship group for a while (different to the group mentioned previously), and at times I thought they were a cool sibling. Though the bad outweighs the good like an elephant to a tiger. Never was it their fault, and constantly mother was encouraging the toxicity “you should know better Lexx”, “Leave them alone Lexx”, “Just ignore them Lexx”, “You need to grow up Lexx”. This sibling is nine years older than me.

When I moved out things only got worse. Being young, dumb, and just having fun at my new share house accommodation I rarely contacted the place I once called home. When I would visit after work, if mum was not home I was hit with the “Why are you here?”, “Mum didn’t say you were visiting?”, “You have to tell us when you are visiting”, even getting a “Mum doesn’t want you here” on a couple occasions, with a range of other things from the thirty-five year that needs a diaper. “No I don’t, I grew up here. I’ll come and go as I please” boil the kettle and have a cup of tea ready for my mother by the time she would be home in ten minutes. These interrogations became threats, and on a few occasions became minor physicality’s; leading to the same old thing “Not their fault”, “You should not have done xyz”, “Grow up”, “You should know better”. 

There was this one time that my girlfriend at the time went to my mothers house to get her hair done (mum was an ex hairdresser). Let’s just say that was the second worst experience that girlfriend had with my family. The first being my twenty first birthday. Mum was a good hairdresser but when our thirty-five-year-old toddler needs his real infinite taken care of due to lack of…. Well……. Anything. Your hair turns rusty orange, and you’re included in babysitting duties.

I have said some very colourful things to my mother, things that only exacerbated the declining relationship. But after being the messenger and seeing your parent abandon another sibling, after seeing a clear distinction of unjust behaviour, after experiencing levels of abuse – sibling not parents, though some may view the statements above as mental abuse from the mother; and after being told some of the things I was told; you stop putting up with crap and speak your mind. After the very last incident that led to me legally never being allowed to walk on the premise I once called home without asking for permission from the leech. I walked away and I stopped speaking to mother.

Why can’t dad just kick him out of the house?

Well, part of me doesn’t know why. But from a mature ‘insider’ perspective the situation is complicated due to every metric of the entire situation. You have finances, parental responsibilities, and a range of other things. He works away so seeing a dropkick live in his house everyday is ‘no problem’ of his. Years ago, we had a huge argument about the situation that led to us not speaking for about six to twelve months.

The rekindle

There is so much that will remain unsaid, there are things that have happened, things that can’t be unseen, or unheard, but if you’re someone from a similar situation or been in a similar situation you just get it.

After years of conversations and therapy for different things everyone around me – including the ‘OG’ abandoned sibling; told me to try rekindling with mother, reach out to her, unblock her phone and call her. My answer was always the same, “Why do I want to associate with someone who is going to tolerate that crap, and not even move past the past with her other child”. “But she’s your mum”, “She still loves you”, “She might have changed”, but eventually the support system had no answers when I would respond with, “Why do I want to associate with someone who will treat me like that and let themselves be treated like that”. It’s commonly said that if someone does not add value to your life or is dragging you down to get rid of them, and it is true. It is also said amongst a lot of people sometimes need to let go with your and their wrong doings to move forward, never forget, forgive the past and reach out, because people do change. You wouldn’t know to the full extent but look at me for an example of how people change. Plenty of people change.

So I did. I reached out via email and updated her on my life before we organised to meet for a walk, tea & coffee. It was great, we had great conversations. Good spirits. Though I knew that there were questions I needed answers too, and conversations that needed to be had. I was going to wait a little while longer, or just bring the questions up in person, but she wanted to bring someone along to the next meet which meant I had to inform her the direction I intended to take the conversation and would rather that person not be there.

Her schedule went from being available 3, 4 days that week to busy for the next couple months instantly. The very next email. Gone.

There were emails that I proceeded to send, a couple garnered a few word responses. But that was it. Gone. Goodbye.

Have not heard from her since. Have no intentions of ever seeing her again. Have not shed one tear. Speaking with my old man the house situation has only become worse.

She knows what I do, I told my family within the first month of me starting this career. I ponder if she has ever looked at my informative blogs or taken a surreptitious interest in this life I have. I hope she has not read any of my erotica. I will throw up – please never ask me to call you mummy, mumma, and never call me daddy. I do use the phrase ‘Sexy Mumma’ but I try to be tasteful, I am comfortable with you referring to yourself as ‘A Sexy Mumma’.

Should my mother be reading this, I wonder how she sleeps at night, good, happy, healthy. And if she is reading this, I actually fear for her, she has put herself into the worst possible scenario. I ponder if the narcissist sibling has snooped my profiles and blogs, wouldn’t surprise me, he has enough time on his hands and he mostly definitely would know what I do. And if he is reading this, well this might be the end of the fuse for that ticking time bomb.

But why Lexx? Why did you just open up about a part of your life that so many people would never dare to publicly bring to their business?

Being abandoned, and the feeling of being abandoned is quite prominent in today’s society. Each case is different, each has a different storyline. Sometimes it is the grand child that is neglected by the grand parent, sometimes it is the child & their parent, sometimes it is the Grandparent that is abandoned by their spoilt children, sometimes it’s the friend who doesn’t ‘fit in’ to the group and is slowly pushed to the side.

As an escort & client how do you build a long standing relationship with someone if you don’t discuss your life. Mature people know that an escort & client agreement is a form of relationship. Just as you have a relationship with your friend, colleague, and neighbour. Escort & client is a personal business relationship. I’m still quite a young man for this industry and may be wrong with what I am saying here, so if any successful, full time male professionals are reading this and have some advice that they would like to share I’m all ears.

How do you have a 5+ year relationship with a client that you travel with, go to dinner with, build trust, explore, without sharing your own stories. Maybe I’m wrong again by saying, “I understand how that might make you feel” will only get you so far, without your own experiences to comfort people with. You don’t take the attention away from the experience they are sharing with you, you add value to it. Yes, I am aware that a large portion of clients just want their sexual/ intimate moment, transaction done, see you again soon. Awesome, that is fine and easy to mentally, physically & spiritually facilitate too. And it will bring me joy when & if a client says “this is the last goodbye” – though like discussed in the blog ‘Why You Should Never Be Embarrassed To Hire An Escort’ you have no obligation to say goodbye, just delete my number and never speak me to again. I’m use to it by now 😉. I also understand there are women who pay escorts long term rather than committing to a formal relationship.

There are a lot of things that I won’t talk about with clients. You might ask a question about this blog that you are reading, and I will respectfully not answer that question. The relationship dynamic that I aspire to have; the most you’ll get from me is that I want 2 wives, I want kids, and I want a home. While there are some common hallmarks of a great relationship, successful relationships are subjective. You have Dom/ Sub, Monogamy, Polygamy, A-sexual, prenups, marriage through the government, religion etc. I like talking about relationships from a general perspective while respecting each relationship individually.

Speaking with other providers there are clients who seem to think that we as escorts are looking for love through this work, and unfortunately that is generally not the case. I say generally because maybe some are, I’m certainly not. Lexx Soule is only a percentage of who I am, the very best percentage of who I am. As an escort my intention is NOT to find love and I do NOT intend to bring you into my personal life. My intention is to bring you something that is missing from this entire world. Genuinely good human connection. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I am a good shot of whiskey with cinnamon spice. To add a little enigmatic energy to the closing of this blog, I have seen the back of one of my wives legs, all other information will stay surreptitious.  

This experience that I have shared with you is my strong point as to why I am good at what I do, and why I will continue to do the work that I do. Because while I’m just from a standard Aussie home, I have experienced, good, great, bad, horrible, ugly. I have been put through good schools, had a childhood, didn’t starve, experienced genuine love from my parents, have experienced being in love, stayed active, fit and relatively healthy most of my life. I have also lived out of my car, lived in another city, experienced serious break ups, lived by myself, been in trouble with the law, told my boss where to go, been fired within 20 minutes of starting a new job, and so much more.

These experiences have conferred me the humble view that there is always something better, and there is always something worse. This view allows me to have deeper empathy for people’s experiences and greater joy for people’s success.

Should you wish to talk about this blog when you make a booking you are more then welcome to ask questions. All I ask is that if my response is, “I do not wish to answer that” or, “I do not want to talk about that part” please respect my boundaries.

Should you wish to contact me to share your experience or make a booking, just email lexxsoule@gmail.com.

I hope you have enjoyed the read and have a newfound courage & self-belief.

Thank you for reading,

Namaste,

L. Soule.