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Why You Should Never Hire Me As Your Escort

Written on September 26th, 2023 by Lexx Soule Updated March 19th, 2024. Viewed 1062 times.

First things first, I’m short. What this means is I am completely unattractive and should never ever be considered as a potential date, short people have nothing going for them, are horrible conversationalists, horrible in bed & every short person has a 2-inch cock.

Do you still want to take me on a date?

Okay it’s not all that bad, I mean when you inquire I send you a professional form that just asks for your name, D.O.B (apparently this is important), where we are meeting, how long you would like to hire me for, the date of our booking, and then I ask for 2 photos as identification, 1 portrait photo & 1 photo identification. I cross check your name & D.O.B with the photo identification, this is my safety procedure to make sure you aren’t a psychopath or a catfish. But obviously this just too much to ask of any person ever, it’s not like government papers & doctors applications you sign ask for all of this. And they never screw us in the ass.

I’m actually A sexual. The exploration of sex with a new person is disgusting and I don’t want to talk about it. The idea of a man touching a woman and making her pussy wet is gross. But somehow I still manage to keep losing my virginity! it’s a horrible habit of mine, does anyone have any good recommendations for loss prevention? This one time I lost it in the cold room fridge of a fruit shop, just like the washing machine eats our clothes, the fridge ate my virginity.

If you’re older than 28 it just won’t work. Cellulite isn’t sexy, mature feminine energy does not empower my masculine, shopping with an older woman is ssssoooooo boring, and once you’re older than 28 sex just isn’t for you anymore. I promise I never had crushes on my friends mums.

Now let’s have the conversation about conversation. I lack confidence & can’t talk to people, I don’t know how to do it and it makes me extremely nervous. Most of my life I have been a hermit who has hidden in my parents basement trying to become a professional gamer, until 1 month ago I was the number one LOL player in the world, defeated by my arch nemesis KwanZimokomko. Unfortunately, this means my parents are kicking me out of the basement and forcing me into the “real” world, I made a deal with my stepdad that if I lost my title I would leave the basement, turns out he is a “real man” who enforces his word. This last month of the “real” world & human interactions I have met 4 people, making 1 acquaintance.

Okay I got a little personal then, sorry don’t spank me. Let’s get back on track about why you should not hire me as an escort. So most other industry professionals that I have talked to recommend I shower before & after seeing every client. I am lucky to shower once a week! Like I’m sorry honey’s I’m not changing my Wednesday shower day routine just for you, I have a 1-hour shower weekly and that’s it! I wash my hair, wash my body, I don’t shave though. I did that once in high school and nearly cut my dick off, I can’t afford to lose another inch, I’m already at 2, if I lose 1 more you aren’t going to experience any pleasure. There is 10 years of quality hair growth, don’t worry though I shampoo and condition it too, it looks like Jesus but on my dick. But I brush my teeth everyday and use the sexiest smelling cologne, Bad Boy by Carolina Herrera.

So if I’m such a terrible escort why am I in this industry?

That’s a good question, I’ve been thinking about it myself and can’t quite put my finger on it. Apparently, the lingo is to just say you want to please women. Apparently copying everyone else’s biography is a thing too, thank God for copy paste.

In a summary you should not hire me as your escort because I’m short, I have a 2 inch pecker, I am not professional and gather more information than government documents, I am A sexual and have a horrible habit of losing my virginity (apparently it’s important), I love my woman like I love my wine (aged well with a fine spice), I have no confidence and am a horrible conversationalist, I only moved out of my parents basement 1 month ago, I only shower on Wednesday, with my 2-inch dick being the nose of Jesus.

Wishlist:

Just a private jet

1 Tonne of magic mushrooms

Carolina Herreraa – Bad Boy cologne

$100 Woolworths gift card

Favourites:

Music/song: Lil Texas – Starships

Food: 2-minute noodles with both the chicken & beef sachets mixed

Location: The move to my parents couch has been quite pleasant

Influencer: Andrew Tate

Car: Suzuki Swift

Thank you for reading my biography. I hope I never see you again, regards, lexx soule.